Putting it all out there

I'm overweight. I have been as long as I can remember, but I've never weighed more than I do right now besides when I was pregnant. I think the fact that I've always been overweight made me not notice when I would gain more--sure, I felt fat in high school, but I would be thrilled to weigh now what I weighed then. After all, losing 40 pounds is a heck of a lot less daunting than losing 80. The fact is, I let it get away from me even though I think I've always thought that I could and would change. So why haven't I?

While I was pregnant and couldn't try to lose weight, I came up with a goal for myself. I turned 28 this summer, so the big three-oh is looming just around the corner and I want to be at my ideal weight by the time I reach that milestone. It's over a year and a half away, so it seems doable, but I have a LONG way to go. I need to lose 80 pounds to reach my ideal weight range, which sounds impossible! But I plan to take it 5 pounds at a time. A friend of mine who had a lot of success in weight loss recommended rewarding both small and large goals and that's what I plan to do!

I think putting this all in writing for the world (and by that I mean my 4 faithful blog readers) to see is my first step towards success. I think the reason I've generally failed to stay motivated is that I treat weight like money and politics--not pleasant or polite to talk about. But knowing that other people know that I'm trying will force me to get results so that I'll have something positive to report!

I've subscribed to Weight Watchers Online and it's my goal to log my food each day and stay within my daily points. Exercise is kind of tricky because now that I'm working and have Lucie, I don't have time for trips to the gym. But, I can walk with Lucie on days that it is nice enough to do so and I can do my workout DVDs in the comfort of my own home!

So here I go. Wish me luck!

I Love Lucie

Say hello to the newest member of our family: Lucinda Hope Gustafson Kennedy.

Early yesterday morning I left for work at the farmer's market, and just an hour later I recieved a phone call from Nicole letting me know that contractions had started. I rushed home, but as the day wore on it seemed to be a "false alarm". We went to bed last night around 11pm or so, and contractions started again. About 2:30am I awoke startled when Nicole announced her water had broken. I lept out of bed and nearly tripped over myself as we gathered our things for the hospital. Contractions began to come very quickly. The thought began to cross both our minds that we might not make it to the hospital. Fortunately, with great concentration we were able to make it down the three flights of stairs in our building and to labor and delivery at Swedish Covenant Hospital in time. Nicole only labored a couple more hours, and we were very surprised when with just one big push little Lucie nearly shot right out! Our midwife wasn't even ready yet to catch her!

We're glad to say that delivery went fine and that both mother and baby appear to be in good condition. Lucinda is 9lbs 7ozs with long black hair. The three of us have spent the day resting and recouperating from all the excitement.

We know many people have been thinking of us and praying for us. We're grateful for all the love and encouragement, and giving thanks to God for this new little blessing.

Girl Power!

We had a really great day yesterday! We had our appointment for my 20 week ultrasound, and given our history with Evie, I got a little more than the routine treatment. I saw 3 specialists for about a half hour each: 1 to do the routine ultrasound, 1 who looked only at the structure of the heart, and 1 who looked at all the other organs and bones and such. All in all my belly was abused for about an hour and a half! But it was so fun. One of the very first things we found out was that it's a GIRL! And the best thing we found out is that she seems to be in great health. They can't see everything on the ultrasound, but they can see a lot--including most of our concerns about the heart. Everything is in its right place and appears to be the right size. Thanks to everyone who prayed for us and encouraged us! We feel so lucky.

Interesting coincidence--I knew that the person who would be looking at the heart would be a cardiologist from Children's Memorial, but I imagined the chance of it being someone we knew would be slim because they have nearly 20 cardiologists on staff and we only met with 3. It just happened to be that the cardiologist who came to do my ultrasound was a Dr. we met on the very first day that Evie was admitted to Children's. She did Evie's echocardiogram on that day, but that was the only time we met her. She still remembered me and Evie even though it has been over a year! Such good people.

I feel that while I'm being honest about my joy I should also be honest about my grief. I found that when we discovered that the heart was in great shape I was so relieved, but then also heartbroken all over again that Evie didn't get to have the same fortune. I wish our 2 daughters could have had the same opportunities. Matt and I have seen a therapist periodically since Evie's death and we have talked extensively about future children. One thing he's always noted is that with the joy of seeing milestones in our children's lives, grief will also come. I didn't take that to heart until yesterday and now I can see what he means. While I feel like I have gotten a great gift, I also am bound to remember that Evie got cheated out of the gifts of health and life.

With that said, we are THRILLED! So happy that we got a good health report, and also that pigtails and dresses are in our near future. :) Poor Matt will be outnumbered in his own home!

The Plateau

When a couple breaks up, its said that it takes as long as you were ever with that person to get over that person. If you dated for 6 months, it might take 6 months for you to finally get over them. They also say "time heals all wounds". To compare the loss of a child to a break up is a grotesque comparison (though that's obvious, I'll still elaborate later). What I would like to say is that time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds we will carry all our life. That's a lesson I'm learning as today is now 11 months since Evie was born. Its been much longer that Evie's been gone than we ever knew she existed. In just a few weeks an entire year will have passed. While my journey of grief has come along way (I am no where near the place I was in January or March or even June), in some ways I've found that the sense of healing has plateaued somewhat. In fact, pain and grief now show up in new ways and it stings worse than it has. They are fresh wounds.

So what is happening? How could things steadily get better and then not? I think a few things have happened. The first is a simple phenomenon: I have more free time. This spring I was breaking my back trying to finish incomplete work from the fall on top of a full load of spring coursework in addition to an internship. The "busyness" of life was a suitable distraction from the deep grief inside. Then with my new work this summer, I've still filled many hours with work, but its a different kind of work. Its a lot of time spent alone. Its a lot of hours alone in traffic. Its a lot of "body work", and a lot less "mind work". I now have the time for my mind to wander-- and it wanders back to Children's Memorial Hospital. I relive the frightening experiences in unprecedented detail. Images, sounds, smells, and feelings are as clear as day. Memories of these are not as frightening as they once were, but they still hurt.

There is a second phenomenon that is more unique to the premature death of a child. We mourn not only the past but the future. We will mourn the entirety of what Evie's life should have been. We mourn the those life-markers that will not happen: first steps, first words, first birthdays, first day of school... those are all little deaths that we must mourn in the wake of our great loss. While it doesn't bother me to be around the children of my friends, for some reason when I see a stranger with a child about the same age that Evie would be--it feels like a roundhouse kick to the stomach... and to the heart. We grieve the loss we experienced last year, but we continue to grieve the lifetime of joy stolen from us.

We feel anger, sadness, and a bit of "lostness". Still, I've considered this new phase of grief a necessary stage of the journey. Grief is work. Its work that I may have set aside in my busyness this spring, but like all things there is a time to collect on debts. What I'm realizing as I return to the work of grief is that the payoff might not be what I initially expected. Healing might not look the way I think. What I mean is that I now no longer ever expect to be "fully normal" again in this life. Everything is different. Its not unlike a physical injury. Surgery and therapy might return you to function, but it is still likely you'll continue to walk with a limp. The process of grief has and will continue to return me to functional, but I still live and love "with a limp".

As I have always said, writing about these things is not to fish for sympathy. Its merely that there is something cathartic about talking about it. It feels good to tell our story. Thanks for listening.

Maps

I've always been fascinated by maps. As a kid, whenever we were on a road trip I would love to trace our route and note the things we might see along the way (I still do this now). Recently I've been following the election polls and examining the "electoral map" of the United States, noting which states turn "blue" or "red" with different public opinion polls (www.fivethirtyeight.com is my favorite site for this). Yet there are things about maps that are deceiving. For instance; on a world map North American and Europe are always at the top? As our planet floats in space is there any real objective way to say that North is up? Yes it could be a matter of aesthetics, but I think it mostly is a product of perspective. We who are wealthy and strong want to see our homes at the top of the map. You might also notice the way that taking a round globe and putting on a flat map distorts some of the preportions of the globe (is Greenland really almost as big as Africa? No, its only about 40% the land mass [see also Australia).

The subjectivity of our perspective can fundamentally alter the way we think. Hard data is not that hard to the human mind. Consider the fears we might have of terrorism, kidnappings, or freak accidents to our apathy about the mundane things that are more likely to prematurely kill us: heart disease, cancer, drunk driving, driving while texting. The odds are astronomically greater that the donuts I had for breakfast is the more likelier cause of my death than gang crossfire. But you wouldn't know it the way we talk about what scares us.

So as we consider the great threats we face in the United States of turmoil in our pocket books as well as geopolitical turmoil, it would do us well to try and get some perspective. Take a look at these maps.


This is our planet as it appears geographically. But look below as the map is altered to reflect what people suffered the greatest casualties of warfare in the 2oth century.


Its not hard to see how Africa, Asia, and the Middle East have suffered the most catastrophic war-time suffering even when you account for the devastation of Europe in WWII. Consider now what the future of global economics might hold...

This is a projection of the distribution of wealth through 2015. Notice that even though India and East Asia project to grow enormously, Europe and the U.S. still maintain a huge portion of wealth-- and Africa remains far behind.

I posit all of this to say, for us in the United States, all the fear we may experience as it relates to financial and national security might be overstated. It might be that the reality of our situation is not that we're "crashing", but that we're coming back down to earth. We've been insulated from so long from the violence and poverty of the rest of the planet that the economic and political troubles of our day feel more threatening than they really are. Don't get me wrong, I know things are tough for a lot of people-- many Americans are suffering the burdens of medical debt, unemployment/underemployment, or fear for a loved one deployed in a war zone. All I suggest is that as the world gets smaller, each of us should expand our outlook to consider not just quality of life here in America--but all over our small world.

Things I Notice When Grocery Shopping

• Yesterday at Trader Joe's the woman in front of me in the check out line had a cart that had 5 jars of organic peanut butter, one jar of almond butter, three bags of slivered almonds, one bag of mixed nuts, and a couple of nut granola bars--and that's it. What she was planning to do with those was the question that bugged me all day long.
• Ever since I could first eat solid foods, Ramen has been a staple in my life. The problem is that it is packed full of nutrionless calories and ungodly amounts of sodium. Behold a new healthy version of Ramen. My arteries are grateful.
  
• I love hot dogs. Classic, all beef hotdogs done Chicago style. I also do my best to eat and shop ethically (we white people love this stuff.) Its surprisingly difficult to find socially responsible hot dogs to eat. Hebrew National are made by ConAgra foods (an irresponsible corporate monster), Best Kosher are made by Sara Lee (a slightly less evil but still not entirely ethical corporation), and God knows where Ballpark franks come from. Vienna Beef seems to be a quality local independent operation-- but I'm not sure they taste better than the others. What to do?!? Good thing I don't have real problems like other people.
  

Beautiful Food

Strawberries! Matt brought home a ton from the market yesterday, and I guess they won't be in season very much longer so we've been enjoying them while they last. These are so good and sweet, there's no need for sugar. We had strawberry shortcake for a treat last night (well, more like strawberries and cream with angelfood cake--it has less calories than shortcake but it's still so delicious) and I made this yogurt parfait for lunch today. It tasted even better than it looked!

Nicole must die(t)!

Yes, Matt, I stole that joke from you!

In the last 2 months I've made the decision to adopt a much healthier lifestyle. My main objective is to lose a lot of weight, so I'll tell you with a lot of frustration that I haven't seen much of a result on the scale. It's really a bummer, but I'm confident that if I keep it up I'll have a breakthrough soon. And I can at least feel the benefits of greater endurance and strength and a better mood from all of the exercise I've been doing.

I was debating whether I should write about this, because I wasn't sure how interesting my diet and exercise routine would be to our billions of faithful readers, but what the heck. I know there are a great number of people doing battle with their weight, and maybe we can encourage each other! I'll share with you some things that have been helping me stay motivated:

• The NPU Biggest Loser Challenge. This summer on campus we are having a weight loss challenge that is open to all faculty, staff, and students who have 10 pounds or more to lose. A lot of people are doing it and it's really fun! We are doing group workouts on lunches and after work.
• Ali from the Biggest Loser TV show. This girl inspires me first of all because she is the first female Biggest Loser, and secondly because we have some things in common. We are a similar age, height and starting weight. I love seeing success stories from people who are like me!
• Healthy snacks. The produce from the farmer's markets is the best of the best, and Matt has been bringing me some good stuff. Whenever I pack some of it with me to work, I have a good day. Speaking of which, I have determined that my morning routine makes or breaks my entire day. If I take the time to pack healthy snacks, my water bottle, and my workout clothes in the morning, I can't go wrong. If I don't do it, I leave a lot of room for error!
• Spark People. Has anyone else found this website? I started using it yesterday and I absolutely love it. There are a lot of sites with food trackers, but this one is the best. It also has a fitness tracker and a bunch of other features including Spark Pages for networking with others. If you're looking for an online tool to help with weight loss, you should check this one out. If anyone has already, my page is nicolemgk.

Do any of you weight loss warriors out there have your own tips for motivation?

Blood & Prayers

If you live in the Chicagoland area, have an AB+ blood type, and are willing/able to donate, please contact me! I have a friend who is having heart surgery in 2 weeks and LifeSource is having a blood drive for her type. If you fit the description, you can e-mail me for details at nicolemgk (at) gmail.com
If you live in any area, have any blood type, and are willing to pray for her, please do so!

Thanks!

Echocardiograms

I originally posted this on 4/25/08, but I thought I'd bump it back up to the top so anyone who didn't read it before might see it. Go ahead and sign the petition if you think it's as important as I do!

You probably didn't know this, because before Evie was diagnosed neither did I, but Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 most common birth defect. The stats I've found about its frequency are approximately 1/100 to 1/125 people are born with some type of CHD. However, though hospitals do a myriad of tests on babies during their first day, an echocardiogram is not one of them. I'm no doctor, so excuse me if this is an inaccurate description of what an "echo" is, but essentially it is an ultrasound of the heart. There is no way that when I have more children that I will take them home from the hospital without having an echo first. But since this is not currently a required test, it's my understanding that medical insurance would not cover it. I found an online petition through Facebook that has the goal of urging that echocardiograms be a standard test for newborns. It is my opinion that each newborn needs this because it may just give 1 in 125 babies a better chance at life. See the petition here.

You may be wondering who this petition is going to be presented to, and I don't really have an answer. I looked for details and didn't find any specifics. But I signed it anyway and would encourage everyone else to do so as well because so far it's the only thing I've found that is working towards this cause.

EDIT: For clarification, I'm fairly confident that in our daughter's case her death wasn't caused by the lack of early diagnosis. She had an ER scare but was stabilized very quickly and remained stable for the entire week leading up to her surgery. However, had we not perceived on our own that something was wrong and brought her in to the hospital, she likely would have had a cardiac arrest at home. Such is the case for many newborns with CHD.

Logic

So, if I worked out once last week and lost 1 pound, does that mean if I work out 5 times this week I'll lose 5 pounds?

Actually, don't answer that--I prefer to live in my fantasy world of wishful thinking! :)