Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Dealing with it

"Midway in our life's journey, I went astray from the straight road and woke to find myself alone in a dark wood."
-Dante, The Inferno

As I've approached this, the second anniversary of Evie's birth, I've not been able to articulate how I feel now about it. The second year of this grief journey has certainly been full of pain revisited but much healing as well. Yet I couldn't shake the feeling for the last few days that I was slowly approaching a dark place-- that daylight was slowly setting with the son as I approached shadowy woods. I would say that it is because this time of the year a different kind of pain is retouched. The general "ache" of Evie's absence is always with me, but at this time I feel the pit in my stomach at the memory of our trauma.

I enjoy remembering the happiness of Evie's birth. It was one of the few times in my life where I literally burst into tears of joy. That's a memory that cannot be taken from me. What does afflict me is the prospect of reliving the 21 days that followed-- the fear, the disorientation, and the trauma. We are glad to have so many people carry the memory and grief of Evie's life with us, and to celebrate with us the value of her life. But the trauma of those 21 days at Children's Memorial is something only Nicole and I understand.

For now, the task I have is embracing the memory of joy and the anticipation of our reunion at the end of time. These things ought to endure, while the troubles we suffered will pass away... and I will come out of these woods, and the pit in my stomach will pester me no longer.


Patty said...

God strengthen you both as you remember the trauma of the days following Evie's birth. We will hold your family with prayer during this dark time of year.

Evie's Story said...

Im brought to tears tonight reading this entry! There is truly an unexplainable trauma in walking out a road of crisis like this with your baby. Everyone elses life goes on, but I mentally go back there often to the emotions, smells, senses, faces and feelings of having a baby in ICU. And the pain of loosing a child I cant begin to imagine. Upholding you this week in your grief. Praying that the arms of the Father will reach where others cannot and that comfort will be yours. You guys are special to us even though we've never met!